Illiteracy a Yearly $3b cost - report

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10795251&ref=rss

A resent report in the nz herald newspapa sed many Kiwis take there ability to reed and rite for granted but New zealand needs to step up its game in tackling ellitracy, acording to a report by the World Litracy Fundation.

The report, called the Economic and Social Cost of Illiteracy, seez the soschil and econimic cost of not bein able to reed and rite cost NZ $3 billion a year - whoa!

Andrew Kay, co-author of the report says "Often, the end result of low literacy levels is trapping people in a cycle of poverty, poor health, limited employment opportunities, reduced income potential and low productivity in businesses."

The World Literacy Summit meets in Oxford next week with the aim of eradicating illiteracy by 2020.  Kay stated that "we need to treat illiteracy as a disease that we are aiming to eradicate"

An international study conducted in 2008 on literacy found that 40 percent of New Zealand's working population were below the minimum level required to participate in a modern economy.  Internationally, illiteracy is estimateed to cost the global economy more than $1.19 trillion a year.

Minister of Everything - a real hard arse!

When asked to comment on these findings, New Zealand's Minister of Everything, Bespectacled Guy said "This is indeed alarming, but drastic issues require drastic measures, and that is exactly what we've come up with.  National Standards are the beginning by which we are able to judge students literacy levels but we plan to implement a standards based literacy assessment of all New Zealanders by the end of the year.  This will enable us to see who can read and write and who can't so by the beginning of next year we will commence a genocid scheme whereby we shoot all those that fail to read and write to an acceptable level"

When questioned further on this Bespectacled Guy agreed that it appeared harsh, but insisted it was fair and would in fact solve many of New Zealand's social and economic woes in one foul swoop.  "Well, think about it.  Illiterate people are allegedely caught in a vicious cycle of poverty, unemployment, poor health, limited opportunities yah-di yah-di yah.  So by culling these underachivers we erradicate poverty, raise employment levels, lower the welfare cost, increase productivity, have a healthier society and so on.  Basically it's survival of the fittest, which we see everyday in nature anyway, and it appears to work well.  It would actually put us on the top of all OECD lists of things worth being on"

Opposition to this new measure was swift and highly vocal, with protestors marching down Queen Street chanting "Heel no, yous cant shot us!"  Bespectacled Guy was quick to downplay this opposition to his new initiative "See, that lot out there would be the first to go!  Them, and Unionists.  If they had a job and could read and write they wouldn't be out there protesting"

The last time something similar was tried was when Hitler did something similar some time back.  "Hitler was a maniacal racist though", said Bespectacled Guy, "We aren't bound by race, creed, culture etc, just stupidity - that's our only criteria"

When asked if that would put undue pressure on schools and teachers, Bespectacled Guy replied, "Well, you'll probably find that a lot of them will be in the cull too, so another benefit will be the improved education system.  There really are no losers here...except of course for the idiotic, but that's just a price we're willing to have them pay"

Members of the opposition were not available for comment, as most of them had either gone into hiding or moved to Australia. 

"A part cultural factors will play. Go to New Zealand I won't!"

Doomsday Preacher Suffers Stroke!

The New Zealand Herald reported today that Doomsday prophet Harold Camping had suffered a stroke and was recuperating in a Californian hospital.

"Doctors have been monitoring the progress of 89-year-old Harold Camping since he was taken by ambulance from his Alameda home late last week."  the Herald claims.

"He is presently recuperating in a local hospital and, despite being delusional, the doctors are pleased with his progress." Family Radio's special projects coordinator Michael Garcia said. 

Hospital psychiatric staff state that Camping is in an advanced state of dementia and is claiming that "The end of the world is nigh...ish, depending on which algorithm you use". 

"He's doing quite well, all thing's considered" said Camping's daughter Susan Espinoza, who works at her father's network. "We haven't made a decision on what will happen with the radio broadcasts, but for now they are playing recorded programs, like 'Michael Landon Reads the Classics', 'Billy Graham's Dummy's Guide to TV Evangalism', and Bill Clinton's Memoirs.

"I though it was the Rapture, but it turns out
it was just a dodgy vindaloo reaking havoc
with my bowels"  claims Camping

When Camping's apocalyptic prophecy failed to occur on May 21, Camping was widely mocked and he called it "a very difficult time."  He now claims that it was actually his own demise he had foreseen, and not the world's.  Camping's daughter, Espinoza, responded with "A very difficult time?  Now that's an understatement!  I was made a laughing stock and I couldn't leave my fallout bunker for weeks!"

Doctors at the hospital had confirmed Camping's hallucinations of the Rapture had unsettled staff but that they had all asked Camping to put in a good word for them to the man upstairs just in case!  "You can never be too careful can you" said one, "Besides, we did save his life so the least he could do was reciprocate in kind...right?"

Germans voted world's least funny.

In a global pole conducted recently it was found that the German's were voted the least funny people on earth.  And in other earth shattering news today, it has been revealed that the earth, to which I refer, is actually round!

The social network and dating website Badoo.com asked 30,000 people across 15 countries to name both the "funniest," or best at making people laugh," and "the least funny" nationality.

To be fair though the validity of the pole has been called into question as the level of humour one possesses was measured by one's response to the singular statement: "Don't mention the war!"

One German I questioned about this new finding replied, "Ve vill ask da quevestions!"

"Invade Russia!  You're having a laugh ain't ya?"

Another insisted that history was scattered with great German comics.  When asked to elaborate, he commented that they were scattered across the deserts of North Africa, the baren plains of Russia, and the swamps of the Somme.  "It vas a riot in da trenches before da big push.  And vat about da Colonel Klink and da uder fat guy in Hogan's Heroes?  Dey were a skrrream!  Dat vas based on fact you know - dere really vas a var - just don't mention it, da!?"

Fitz Nicentite, a German Comedic Scholar and authority from Auschwitz Community College was at pains to insist that the survey was flawed as countries such as Afghanistan, Irag, Yemen, Libya, Somalia, and Belgium weren't included in the survey.
"Come on, you mean to tell me dat dey have plenty to laugh about?  I tink not, da!"

Americans took the funniest prize, followed by the Spanish in second and Italians in third. 

The voting for "least funny" nationality confirmed the view of American novelist Mark Twain that "a German joke is no laughing matter."

The British, who have given us such comedy classics as 'Gimme, Gimme, Gimme' and Amy Winehouse, was only ranked 7th.  "I'm afraid that we don't find some of the results very funny," said Badoo's Director of Marketing Lloyd Price, who is British.  "You will note of course that we are a dating and social networking site so I think what these findings actually tells us is that American's are largely lame-arse losers who spend most of their time trying to find happiness on the internet!  I also think it prudent to point out that if you read the question correctly you will note that it refered to laughing AT not WITH""

The American Society of Comedic Practioners have responded with their own survey asking who the biggest whingers and sore losers were.  England got all the votes.

Hitler - a comedc genious.
"A funny thing happened on the way to Poland..."

The Russians and Turks, second and third least funny people respectively, also refuted the findings.
In a joint, translated statement, they said they actually "laughed like hell" when Germany tried to invade Russia, and likewise the Anzacs at Anzac Cove, which proved they had a sense of humour. 
"Nine!", exclaimed Nicentite, "Hitler vas da hooooten genious, unt his officers vere heard to say 'You're having a laugh aren't ya?' ven he ordered the invasion of Russia"

Roseanne Barr: "At least I'm funnier than Hitler!"

On a related topic Andy Dick, Roseanne Barr, and Bob Sagett were today inducted into the USA Hall of Comedic Fame.

"I rest my case" Lloyd Price was heard to say.

You've heard of Planking? Well here's the next big craze. It's...

BANKING!  That's right, banking!  And it's huge, it's taking a grip all around the world.  I happen to have snapped this anonymous shady character performing banking in Rarotonga recently, and does he ever push the limits to the max!

Banking in Public - crazy!

Things start off seemingly innocent enough (above) but you will note he still has his hat on and that is a huge security risk.  Just testing the waters perhaps...?  And this where things start to get a little hairy...

  Banking at the wrong Bank, madness!

And again!  Whatever will this daredevil do next?!

As you can see from the photos above there seems to be no end to the lengths this guy will go to satisfy his thirst for cheap thrills.  I thought I'd seen it all but then things just started getting absurd!

This is where things started to get out of hand...
...and just down right dangerous.

Indiscriminate Planking has already claimed one life and with pranks like this it won't be too long before Banking does the same.  Especially when you try to combine Planking with Banking, or as it's come to be known Banking Plankers, as this guy is attempting here.  If this guy was to get caught hogging the ATM queue like this there would be pandemonium on the streets.

Despite his thrill seeking antics to date this Banking Planker has at least managed to to stay within the confines of common human deceny, but now really starts to push the envelope, as you can see below;

Banking around food is a Banking no-no!

Not content with his ground breaking and death defying stunts to date Mr $, as he has come to be known, then attempts to Bank in the local supermarket, and if you look closely at his card you will note it's the wrong bank - will the madness never end?!

And then, having seen it all, or so I thought, Mr $ then laughs in the face of authority, taunting the police with his craziest stunt to date.  It's as if he's saying "Catch me if you can Copper!"

It won't be long be total Anarchy breaks out!

Time will tell if the world is ready for such tomfoolery.  Watch this space and I'll keep you posted on the latest Banking craze!

NZ among the happiest of the OECD...Yeah Right!

Reports out recently suggest New Zealand is near the top of the first multinational index of well-being and wealth.  The Paris based Organisation of Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD) has produced an interactive tool measuring 20 different indicators in 34 countries. New Zealand scores in the top four with Canada, Australia and Sweden.

The index suggests it is only New Zealand's financial wealth, in comparison with other rich nations, and long working hours, that prevents the country being on top.  That, and its appalling record with child abuse, domestic violence and binge drinking.  However, sources within the Paris based OECD suggest that Kiwi's liking of a tipple or two actually scored them bonus points, and serves to "block out those other two things".  A spokesperson within the Alcohol and Liquor Advisory Council (ALAC) suggest there is a difference between "a tipple" and getting right royally rat-arsed and smashing the crap out of your so-called loved ones.

My sources within the OECD suggest that New Zealand's Ministry of Tourism, fun, and Police has paid off the OECD in order to reflect New Zealand in a good light in view of the upcoming Rugby World Cup and expected influx of tourists.  "We prefer our violence to stay on the rugby paddock" says Minister, Four Square Guy.

The Minister of Tourism, Fun, and Police Four Square Guy, in a
promotional photo for the Rugby World Cup, says "She'll be right!"

About 10 children are killed every year in New Zealand by a member(s) of their family.

Child Youth and Family received 49,063 reports of abuse that required further action in 2006.

Around 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 10 boys in New Zealand have experienced sexual abuse.

The economic cost of family violence was estimated at $1.2 to $5.8 billion per year by

economist Suzanne Snively in 1994. In today’s figures that would rise to $8 billion.

Canadian Darlene Barriere, author of 'From Victim to Victory', calls our rate of child abuse an 'epidemic', citing socio-economic factors a huge influence in child abuse statistics.  When added to our noted long working hours it all adds up to an explosive cocktail.  One that Government representatives have called "inexcusable".  Yet a year after 3 month old twins died at the hands of adults nothing significant has been done, and nothings changed.  

When the Minister was questioned about the issue he replied:  "Who's this Darlene chic anyway?  Let's see her come here and say that, why I oughta..."  After calming down he added, "Yeah, nah, look we know we have a problem but she'll be right.  You know us Kiwis - the old No. 8 wire attitude and all".  When asked to elaborate he explained "Yeah, nah ya' know, No 8 wire?  See what we plan to do is use the no. 8 to make a big fence compound then lock all these parasites in it and play last man standing!"
However, despite this tough talk from the Minister, damning reports from the Independent Police Complaints Authority describe how the police handling of child abuse cases shows at least one district prioritised traffic fines ahead of child abuse investigations, and in the Wairarapa there was a backlog of more than 100 child abuse investigation files where there had been little or no progress by police on the original complaint.

Also, nearly half all homicides in New Zealand are family violence. Police are called to around 200 family violence situations every day - one every 7 minutes - but estimate that only 18% of incidents ever come to their attention.

The Minister moonlights as a busker to supplement
his Ministerial wage, highlighting the 'long work hours
for little monetary reward' the OECD claims NZ suffers from. 

The Minister was defiant "Ah yeah, but what does it tell you about us Kiwi's that we're still voted fourth happiest country despite all that?"  Some would say that there in lies the problem, that perhaps we have our heads in the sand.  "Well there may be some truth to that," replies the Minister "It wouldn't be the first time us politicians have been accused of having our heads in the sand, or up our asses"
The most common dominator in most cases of violence in New Zealand is alcohol, says Minister of All Things Unpleasent, Damien O'Connor.  "I have said many times that alcohol and other drug abuse is a recurring theme in many crimes in New Zealand.  A great many of our 7900 prisoners and offenders serving sentences in the community have issues with alcohol. 

Binge drinking had become an initiation ceremony or 'rite of passage', for teenagers, an Alcohol Advisory Council of New Zealand (ALAC) speaker told a Nelson conference today.

ALAC research showed some 785,000 New Zealand adults regularly indulged in binge drinking, she said. Teenage binge drinkers, who merely wanted to act like adults, regularly witnessed society tolerating and sometimes celebrating such behaviour.

Four Square Guy commented "Look, all I can say is that if these figures are correct, and I can neither confirm nor deny that at this stage, and we still rank fourth on the list of happiest people, then all the other countries ranked below us must be absolute shit.  And let me tell you, I've been to Australia, who rank above us, and it ain't that flash you know!"  With that he refused to comment further and high-tailed it out the door shouting "Right, I'm off to the pub, who's in?"

OECD officials we contacted in light of this interview exclaimed "Vell, eet Looks like ve haf to check oura feegures again!  Ve'll git back to you"

The Minister, Four Square Guy, looking a little
worse for wear after a session, atop the roof of Bellamy's
Restaurant singing "I'm on top of the world
looking down on creation..."

Obama's Code Name in the UK Raises Eye Brows, and Standards

It has been reported today that President Obama has been given the codename "Chalaque" for his UK visit.   This translates to "smart alec" or "cheeky, crafty and cunning" 

"Chalaque "is sometimes used when we want to denigrate someone who we think is too clever for their own good", the director of the UK's Network of Sikh Organisations, Indarjit Singh, told London's The Times.  The codename was computer generated The Daily Mail reported.  The computer was based in Bangalore, India and was situated at the Vodafone Helpdesk Centre and it appears a computer software error was responsible.  Further investigations have shown the latest Sydney Suburbs phonebook has a listing for 'B.Obama, President of the United States' and the listed address was noted as having an army of what are thought to be body guards surrounding the property.  One neighbour of the property I spoke with stated:  "Strueth, I just thought it was a rugby league stag doo!"   Russell Crowe denied it was his property.

Obama, who is in Britain for the inaugral International World Leaders Ping Pong Tournament, made time to meet, and practice, with British Team Captain, Prime Minister David Cameron.  The Queen, who is a huge ping pong fan, will act as umpire .




Obama & Cameron take time to practice before the
International World Leaders Ping Pong Tournament

 

Sources inside the White House state that code names are often used for security reasons.  Bill Clinton's code name for his many visits to the UK was Chubbywumba, which translated from Swahele, meaning "philandering, leachorous, adultering pig dog".  George Bush's initial code name was 'Piglumber', taken from the Northern Inuit Dialect, which meant "braindead, lumbering, baffoon-like laughing stock" but was thought didn't conceal his identity sufficiently so "G-Dubbya" was agreed upon.

President Obama, 49, has been criticised as being "too professorial" in his speeches and approach to issues.  The former university law professor practised civil rights law before embarking on a career as a politician in 1996.  The President, talking to a delegation of Topshop clothes store managers in the Elephant & Castle today, apologised for having obtained an education, being eloquent, well balanced, socialable, and level headed.

"I know you're used to having recent U.S. Presidents present their speeches to you in picture book form and approach all international relations with the philospohy of "nuke 'em high" but I assure you that's not my style".

Latest Ladbrokes figures show America remain the firm favourites at the ping pong tournament starting Friday.  Underdogs, and crowd favourites, Libya, had to pull out at late notice because no-one could agree who their leader was.

America's Obama modelling the his new playing strip, sponsored by Topshop,
for the inaugral International World Leaders Ping Pong Tournament Starting Friday.
The Queen, officiating this years tournament, dons gear sponsored by Ezybuy and Sashes-R-Us.

Camping's Calculation Catastrophy Causes Confusion

Harold Camping is now predicting the Rapture will be on October 21^st, which ironically is the exact same birthdate as dynamite inventor, Swede Alfred Nobel, and that other catastrophic disaster, Kim Kardashian.  Coincidence?  I think not! 

In response to this news retail outlets worldwide are planning to have their Boxing Day Sales brought forward and are expecting a run on survival kits.  One source I spoke with said "It's going to be hell - literally!  I well imagine that these items, along with all Christians, will just disappear out the door!  We've included an extra item in this years kit, and that is a Bible - just in case." 

In relation to his latest flawed prediction Camping was quoted as saying “…he felt so terrible when his doomsday prediction did not come true that he left home and took refuge in a motel with his mistress”.  Campings diminishing band of followers, or 'Merry Men' as he likes to refer to them,  did likewise, as reported on www.stuff.co.nz  “When the Rapture didn't arrive Saturday, crestfallen followers began turning their attention to more earthly concerns”

On his recent miscalculation "...because of a mathematical error", Camping had this to say: "Kids, stay in school! I remember asking my teacher why we had to do maths, because I was never going to need it as I just wanted to be a preacher when I grew up!  My teacher tried to tell me that you never could tell when you'd need it.  Gee, don't I feel a fool now!  I imagine she is probably laughing at me now, along with the rest of the world!" 

Jeff Hopkins, 52, a long time follower, who attached a neon sign to his car saying “The End is Nigh” summed it up nicely when he said; "I've been mocked and scoffed and cursed at and I've been through a lot with this lighted sign on top of my car"  Hopkins, a former television producer, who now lives in Sunny Hills Sanitarium, Great River, NY went on to say "I was doing what I've been instructed to do through the Bible, but now I've been stymied. It's like getting slapped in the face."  He went on to add "But I suppose a slap in the face is nothing compared with earth ending catastrophic hell-fire and brimstone, a plague of locusts or the demons of hell devouring your soul?  But I guess it's all relative"  Hopkins also added that, being New York, his car was often mistaken for a taxi cab with many a drunken punter advising:  “Dude, you spelt night wrong!” 

Camping's nonprofit radio station reported in 2009 IRS filings “…that it received US$18.3 million in donations, and had assets of more than US$104 million, including US$34 million in stocks or other publicly traded securities”.  Camping was heard to joke with a fellow devotee that he "...hopes that when God conducts the Rapture he brings a needle, with an eye of suitable size, so he, and his fortune, can fit through it!"  When reminded that he couldn't take it with him when he went, he replied disappointingly "Really?  I think I'll need to recalculate again in that case!" 

http://www.stuff.co.nz/ reported that Tim LaHaye, co-author of the best-selling "Left Behind" novels about the end times, recently called Camping's prediction "not only bizarre but 100 percent wrong!" He cited the bible verse Matthew 24:36, `but about that day or hour no one knows" except God.  "While it may be in the near future, many signs of our times certainly indicate so, but anyone who thinks they `know' the day and the hour is flat out wrong," LaHaye wrote on his Web site, leftbehind.com.  “And by the way” he continues after a lengthy pause “God actually only talks to me, and he told me the actual date, but asked I keep it a secret because then everyone would be getting on the forgiveness bandwagon, he'd be inundated, and all hell would break loose”

Some say the flaw in LaHaye’s argument is that he forgets about the time difference.  Should D-Day occur on the 21st of October as predicted, then it would occur first in New Zealand due to their location on the international dateline.  As the first country to see the light, or blazing inferno in this case, they would be first to be destroyed  Therefore, allowing for this time difference, other countries would be pre-warned and be able to, quickly, organise mass convertions or confessions, Afghanistan excluded.  Hopefully this would allow the multitudes to ride the rapture train.

Rugby World Cup officials have indicated that should D-Day be confirmed for the 21st October then the final of the World Cup would be rescheduled from the 23^rd October to an earlier date to meet televison committments.  Daniel Carter and Richie McGaw have been reported as reassessing their decisions to resign with the NZRFU and stay in New Zealand after the World Cup.  Carter was heard to say "This would be a great time to use one of my 'sabbatical' cards and get out of hell free!"  McGaw was heard to say "Doh!"

God could not be contacted for comment.  Instead, Christians offered a 1000 page prepared statement entitled the Bible.

"Stop, drop, roll...and pray!" says Carter should Armageddon hinder the Rugby World Cup"

"Wait, I know this...seven, carry the one...equals..."