Friday, May 27, 2011

NZ among the happiest of the OECD...Yeah Right!

Reports out recently suggest New Zealand is near the top of the first multinational index of well-being and wealth.  The Paris based Organisation of Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD) has produced an interactive tool measuring 20 different indicators in 34 countries. New Zealand scores in the top four with Canada, Australia and Sweden.
The index suggests it is only New Zealand's financial wealth, in comparison with other rich nations, and long working hours, that prevents the country being on top.  That, and its appalling record with child abuse, domestic violence and binge drinking.  However, sources within the Paris based OECD suggest that Kiwi's liking of a tipple or two actually scored them bonus points, and serves to "block out those other two things".  A spokesperson within the Alcohol and Liquor Advisory Council (ALAC) suggest there is a difference between "a tipple" and getting right royally rat-arsed and smashing the crap out of your so-called loved ones.
My sources within the OECD suggest that New Zealand's Ministry of Tourism, fun, and Police has paid off the OECD in order to reflect New Zealand in a good light in view of the upcoming Rugby World Cup and expected influx of tourists.  "We prefer our violence to stay on the rugby paddock" says Minister, Four Square Guy.


The Minister of Tourism, Fun, and Police Four Square Guy, in a
promotional photo for the Rugby World Cup, says "She'll be right!"


About 10 children are killed every year in New Zealand by a member(s) of their family.
Child Youth and Family received 49,063 reports of abuse that required further action in 2006.
Around 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 10 boys in New Zealand have experienced sexual abuse.
The economic cost of family violence was estimated at $1.2 to $5.8 billion per year by
economist Suzanne Snively in 1994. In today’s figures that would rise to $8 billion.
Canadian Darlene Barriere, author of 'From Victim to Victory', calls our rate of child abuse an 'epidemic', citing socio-economic factors a huge influence in child abuse statistics.  When added to our noted long working hours it all adds up to an explosive cocktail.  One that Government representatives have called "inexcusable".  Yet a year after 3 month old twins died at the hands of adults nothing significant has been done, and nothings changed.  
When the Minister was questioned about the issue he replied:  "Who's this Darlene chic anyway?  Let's see her come here and say that, why I oughta..."  After calming down he added, "Yeah, nah, look we know we have a problem but she'll be right.  You know us Kiwis - the old No. 8 wire attitude and all".  When asked to elaborate he explained "Yeah, nah ya' know, No 8 wire?  See what we plan to do is use the no. 8 to make a big fence compound then lock all these parasites in it and play last man standing!"
However, despite this tough talk from the Minister, damning reports from the Independent Police Complaints Authority describe how the police handling of child abuse cases shows at least one district prioritised traffic fines ahead of child abuse investigations, and in the Wairarapa there was a backlog of more than 100 child abuse investigation files where there had been little or no progress by police on the original complaint.


Also, nearly half all homicides in New Zealand are family violence. Police are called to around 200 family violence situations every day - one every 7 minutes - but estimate that only 18% of incidents ever come to their attention.



The Minister moonlights as a busker to supplement
his Ministerial wage, highlighting the 'long work hours
for little monetary reward' the OECD claims NZ suffers from. 


The Minister was defiant "Ah yeah, but what does it tell you about us Kiwi's that we're still voted fourth happiest country despite all that?"  Some would say that there in lies the problem, that perhaps we have our heads in the sand.  "Well there may be some truth to that," replies the Minister "It wouldn't be the first time us politicians have been accused of having our heads in the sand, or up our asses"
The most common dominator in most cases of violence in New Zealand is alcohol, says Minister of All Things Unpleasent, Damien O'Connor.  "I have said many times that alcohol and other drug abuse is a recurring theme in many crimes in New Zealand.  A great many of our 7900 prisoners and offenders serving sentences in the community have issues with alcohol. 

Binge drinking had become an initiation ceremony or 'rite of passage', for teenagers, an Alcohol Advisory Council of New Zealand (ALAC) speaker told a Nelson conference today.
ALAC research showed some 785,000 New Zealand adults regularly indulged in binge drinking, she said. Teenage binge drinkers, who merely wanted to act like adults, regularly witnessed society tolerating and sometimes celebrating such behaviour.
Four Square Guy commented "Look, all I can say is that if these figures are correct, and I can neither confirm nor deny that at this stage, and we still rank fourth on the list of happiest people, then all the other countries ranked below us must be absolute shit.  And let me tell you, I've been to Australia, who rank above us, and it ain't that flash you know!"  With that he refused to comment further and high-tailed it out the door shouting "Right, I'm off to the pub, who's in?"
OECD officials we contacted in light of this interview exclaimed "Vell, eet Looks like ve haf to check oura feegures again!  Ve'll git back to you"

The Minister, Four Square Guy, looking a little
worse for wear after a session, atop the roof of Bellamy's
Restaurant singing "I'm on top of the world
looking down on creation..."





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